limricks of self-loathing and the happiest place I know

My head is buzzed from all the food I poured into my belly. Finding different things as substitutes for social interaction. Getting the chemicals all riled up, orgasms, junkfood, jack Nicholson films. All work and no play makes Crockett Von Brean a dull boy. I should have known it would turn out this way. I just want to go on a quest into the mountains like Batman did. I want to climb to the top get a mentor and be shown how to face my fears because I can't even begin to try. It's a slow suffocation - hell. It's a realization that everything you thought you'd be is bullshit. I was lying to myself. I hate everyone. I want to break down crying. Bjork is beautiful, I hold her up on a plane. I made a shrine. I worship the shrine. It's a place I am so far away from. I can't separate myself from my bad habits. I try to be pure but for who. There are good days and days of no hope. This is one of those days. I wish I had some substance to abuse. Well, you know what they say -the self, the ego is the most intoxicating drug. I don't want anyone to read this, I just want to get it out. It's been boiling up inside. It's sad to think that this is the way a lot of people have to vent. My therapist hasn't returned my fucking call and I'm starting to get paranoid that she hates me. She treats me like a child and that is what I try to be around her. This regression is so crippling. I can't feel real so two seconds. Everytime I try it dangles in front of me like those shapes you see when you look up to the sun and close your eyes. It's like microscope slide bacterial float around there. As soon as you try to follow it it disappears. I could kill someone right about now. I want to jump out of a plane, do acid, get a piercing, a branding around my arm, hire an escort, travel to cuba. I get so small right about now, like a baby brfore I go to bed, kicking and screaming until I wear myself out. This should just go on forever but I have to get up tomorrow. It's a new day. What do I have to look forward to I feel like a zombie around people. There's this girl I obsessed over for such a long tme. She was so beautiful to me and I could always picture her when I slept and I keep bumping into her and today we hung out but I couldn't say anything to her really, I felt so watched, like I was a freak, the only thing I could think to say to her was an impossibly large soliliqui about how much I've always loved her adn that I was so timid in my earlier days I know she liked me then, but I was frozen like I am now and any accomplishments I could have possibly achieved mean nothing, NOTHING, because I have not grown. What the fuck, how stupid are we to think that we an change through such trivial things. I don't want to consume anymore is that so much to ask. I want to burn everything I own and just find out what I am with nothing. How do I do that? Where do I start? Where is that sixth sense, intuition, spirit world, fate that everyone seems to talk about but I can't find. I can't find it anywhere. When I close my eyes it's darkness or a wet dream or a drugged up cloud of smoke.

Arrrgggg! Well that's just peachy sir. jimmy froglegs and how are you today said the goat with a litte wiggle of it's hind quarters - very well, we'll have to jump off that cliff over there and whoever flies will be the champion of the world and so they did but the goat won because he was the only one stupid enough to do it and then Allah granted him eternity in paradise. Goddamn I said GODDAMN all the animals to the slaughter house is what I say. I am the King. That's right and I command the trees to quiver when I pass through the forest of your nephew, sir Hornbroad Longshanks fluffer scruff. What a great idea we can all chatter our teeth and tehn create nuclear generators out of barbed wire dental gear. It's so inhibiting to smile when you've got lies bumbling up in your throat. Such a cleaver God to have allowed us to live like this. We can all hold hands and suck each other off, but great mountains of cotton candy will not begin to rise up for your oral enjoyment you can starve to death adn then slurp the remains of your grandmother vampire farmyard deadly unicorn grilled cheese yeti! The transient man grabbed his elk by the horns and screamed,! Coem come, wake up, you thieving dog-faced, turncoat with the tongue of a sloth and the belly of a toad. How do you think I'm crazy, I am the wanderer of thousands of miles come to fight the million eyd monster and this poety is genius sheer genius. What? Well, it's just the writting it's just masturbating with machinery. It doesn't even exist unless another reads these wavering electrical currents but that's like rolling the dice with a spoon taped to a fan blade. We all know that the past will catch up to us in a sick little relay race of humiliations. I can't ever escape, I can't ever escape, I CAN'T EVER ESCAPE! Don't you ever try to get out of the cage, you can't get out of the cage, because you have no way of getting the cage outta you. That's the ticket that's the spongecake strawberry wholesale pinstriped suit. I know that tonight is gonna drown in a blackness so vast that when I return from the desert of my pillow and wipe the drool from my lips I will be in the same place the same place and you can't comfort me. I won't suck on your breast. I always suck on the devil's breast. What a queer thought. Just tire yourself out. Eat up the scum and bite off your thumb gone are the days of clever fucking. It's all serious. Not a game. Not a game.